


A Planet Called Christmas

by NoScrubs12345



Series: tis the season [7]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:57:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1245103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoScrubs12345/pseuds/NoScrubs12345
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack, Ianto, the Doctor and a planet called Christmas. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For [awdt](http://awdt.livejournal.com/)'s 2008 Christmas advent challenge. Day seven: "[picture of a snowman](http://community.livejournal.com/awdt/230773.html)."

Ianto rolled his eyes as the TARDIS landed sharply. He stumbled as it shook, Jack’s hands on his shoulders steadying him. He could hear the Doctor shouting over the slowing grindings of the engine as the Time Lord darted back and forth between two monitors. Ianto swatted Jack’s hands away as he tried to grope him, straightening his tie as he glared at him. The Captain gave him an unapologetic smile and moved towards the console, arm brushing Ianto’s as he went.

Ianto followed him, drowning out the Doctor’s quixotic ramblings, and stared down at the nearest screen, which showed a snowman sitting outside the TARDIS. There was a bird perched on one of the twig arms, wings fluttering twice before it took flight, and a garish orange and blue scarf wrapped around its neck. Its dull coal eyes were staring at the TARDIS doors and Ianto felt a chill run down his spine. There was something distinctly off about the snowman that he couldn’t quite place. He started from his reverie as the Doctor brushed past him, pushing him into Jack’s side. Jack just wrapped an arm around him as the Doctor continued his semi-soliloquy.

“—planet called Christmas. Right between Festivus and Kwanza in the Yuletide Galaxy. Lovely little place, really,” the Doctor said as he shrugged on his coat. “The gingerbread is the best in two universes, though the wassail leaves something to be desired. Ruled by a fellow calling himself Father Christmas. Inherited title from son to son, that is. Not the man with the beard. That’s all a bit kitschy once you get out of the Milky Way.”

“Christmas? The planet?” Ianto whispered to Jack. “It sounds like a bad musical. Are you sure he’s not lost it?”

“Oi!” the Doctor shouted and threw Ianto his own coat. “That’s not very polite, Mr Jones. I’d have expected better manners from you.”

“Ianto,” Jack said,winking at the Doctor, “saying he’s lost it would imply that, at some point, he had an ‘it’ to lose.”

“Fine, then! Be that way. See if I ever take you on another trip again, Captain,” the Doctor huffed teasingly as he rummaged through a pocket. He grinned slightly maniacally when he pulled out his sonic screwdriver.

Ianto swallowed when the grin was turned on him and Jack.

“Well,” the Doctor said, anxiously shifting his weight from foot to foot, “aren’t you going to ask me why we’re here?”

Ianto crossed his arms and leaned back against the console, his left arm brushing against Jack’s right. “Won’t you tell us anyway?”

Jack chuckled at the Doctor’s pout. “Why are we here, Doctor?”

The Doctor’s face lit up. He started running towards the doors, calling back over his shoulder, “Distress call. Mauve. I thought we’d check it out.” He threw them open and stuck his head outside. When he pulled it back in, there was snow clinging to his hair. “I’d put that coat on if I were you, Mr Jones. It looks like it’s we're going for a bit of a walk.”

Ianto rolled his eyes as he slipped on his coat as the Doctor disappeared out the doors. Doing up the buttons, he turned to Jack and asked, “Is he always like this?”

“Most of the time,” Jack said with a sigh and tied the belt around his greatcoat. “Twenty quid and a back rub says we end up running in under three hours.”

“Under two hours and the loser rubs the other one,” Ianto said and turned up his collar with a smirk.

Jack grinned at him and pressed a button on his wrist strap. “You’re on,” he said, offering Ianto his hand. “Shall we go see what trouble he’s already got himself into?”

Ianto sighed, mock wearily. “If we must,” he deadpanned and took Jack’s hand.

Jack laughed and gave Ianto’s hand a squeeze as they made their way out of the TARDIS. The doors closed behind them on their own accord and Ianto shivered as the cold air cut through the thin cotton of his trousers. He raised a hand to shield his eyes against the midday sun as it reflected off the snow. He ignored the snowman, looking for the Doctor instead.

He sighed when he spotted the Time Lord standing by a crossroads sign, head thrown back and mouth open in an attempt to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

“Tell me why this was a good idea?” Ianto asked Jack, shivering.

“Because he asked nicely?” Jack supplied and tugged on Ianto's arm as the Doctor started down one of the roads.

“Uh huh,” Ianto said sarcastically, smiling as Jack let go of his hand to ruffle his hair. He swatted at Jack, chasing him as he took off running. The Doctor shouted after them as they passed him, rolling his eyes and jogging to catch up as they ignored him.

None of them noticed as the snowman turned away from the TARDIS and started to follow them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For [awdt](http://awdt.livejournal.com/)'s 2008 Christmas advent challenge. Day eighteen: "[picutre of a berry wreath on a streetlamp](http://community.livejournal.com/awdt/251535.html)."

Ianto stopped running, panting for breath as they came upon the outskirts of the town. He let out an “oomph” and toppled into a snow bank as Jack ran into him full force. Jack laughed and grabbed a handful of snow. He pressed a kiss to Ianto’s lips, letting him deepen it before smoothing the snow on top of the Welshman’s head.

“I win,” Jack said quietly as he lay on top of Ianto, breath hot against each others’ lips and chests heaving.

“You cheated,” Ianto quipped and, grabbing his own handful of snow, stuffed it down the back of Jack’s greatcoat.

Jack yelped and sat up, his eyes wide and mouth agape as he stared down at Ianto. “No fair, Ianto!”

“Pot. Kettle,” Ianto said with a smirk. He thrust his hips, sending Jack tumbling forwards and to the side into the snow.

“Oi!” they heard the Doctor shout as he rounded the bend. “Can’t I leave you two alone for two minutes without you...dancing?”

“There’s nothing wrong with a bit of ‘dancing’ now and then, Doctor,” Jack said and stood. He brushed his coat off before he offered a hand to Ianto. He pulled him to his feet and gave his hand a small squeeze before letting go. “You should try it sometime.”

“Keep it up and I’m not getting you out of jail when you get yourself arrested for chatting up the wrong person,” the Doctor said, a blush colouring his cheeks.

“That only happened once and you know it.”

“Yes,” the Doctor said absently as he took in his surroundings. “Only I don’t think Mr Jones would find it as humorous as Rose did.”

“I don’t know about that, Doctor,” Ianto said lightly, giving Jack a wink. “There was this one time. We had gone to this nice little bar in the city centre and there was this really hot—“

“I don’t think I want to hear the ending of that story, Mr Jones,” the Doctor said, throwing his companions a frown. “Does something seem off to you? About the town, that is.”

Ianto and Jack shared a look before studying the quaint little village. It was picturesque in its beauty, with brightly painted cottages lining the streets, shop windows ablaze with strands of fairy lights as animatronic Santas moved arthritically and the snow falling gently past the berry wreathed street lamps to the frozen ground beneath their feet. The village was silent, the only signs of life a pair of snowmen staring back at them from the end of the high street. Ianto shuddered as he heard a hurried whooshing and crunch of snow from behind them. He turned his head slightly and saw the snowman from the TARDIS, the sounds stopping as he did so. He could have sworn the thing was glowering at them. The snow behind the it was disturbed, as if the snowman had dragged something heavy and flat behind it.

“Where are all the people?” Jack asked and reached for his Webley.

“Leave it,” the Doctor scolded and turned to look at him. “There’ll be no shooting if I have anything to say about it.”

“But there could be—“

“Captain, you know how—“

“Doctor, I think we’re being followed,” Ianto interrupted and pointed back at the snowman. “He was the one we landed by. And he doesn’t look too happy.”

“Neither do his friends,” Jack said and pulled his gun. He pointed it at the two snowmen down the street as they began to move quickly towards them. “Look. They’re alive.”

“Put that thing away!” the Doctor hissed and grabbed Jack’s wrist. He lowered it and looked at the snowmen. “They’re made of snow, Jack! How is putting a bullet through them going to do any good?”

“It’s worth a try!” Jack shouted, but dropped the gun to his side. The whooshing and crunching grew louder as all three snowmen inched closer to them.

“I’d rather you tried flirting with them,” the Doctor quipped and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. He held down the button, running it up and down and side-to-side as he scanned the creatures. “They have a basic skeleton and a central nervous system under all that snowy shell.”

“Are they sentient?” Ianto asked, looking between Jack, the Doctor and the snowmen.

“More than likely,” the Doctor said.

“So what do we do?”

“You will come with us,” said the snowman from the TARDIS, his voice breathy and scratchy. “You will surrender you weapons.”

“Tell us who you are first,” the Doctor called and turned to look at it. “What’s happened to the villagers?”

“You will surrender your weapons,” it said again, coal eyes glowing red. “You will come with us.”

After looking at Ianto, a silent conversation passing between them, Ianto nodded. Jack nodded back and unclipped his gun, throwing it to the ground. “Happy now?”

The second snowman, wearing a yellow scarf and a pipe stuck in its coal lips, turned to the Doctor. “You will surrender you weapon.”

“It’s not a weapon,” the Doctor shouted, affronted. “It’s a screwdriver.”

“You will surrender your weapon.”

“It’s not a weapon!”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Jack grumbled and grabbed the sonic screwdriver from the Doctor. He threw it to the ground. “There. Now take us to your leader.”

Ianto rolled his eyes. “That’s real original, Jack.”

“What can I say, it’s a classic,” Jack said and took Ianto’s hand. “Unless you’d rather I said ‘Luke, I am your father?’”

“You two stop it,” the Doctor said and winced as one of the snowmen poked him with its twig arm.

“You will come with us,” it said and all three of them began to move forward, the sonic screwdriver and Jack’s gun left . “You will not struggle.”

“Nice work, Doctor,” Jack quipped and glared at the nearest snowman. “You just had to answer that distress call, didn't you?”

“Save it,” the Doctor said with a pout. “You gave them my bloody screwdriver!”

“You’d rather they killed us?” Ianto asked, frowning as they passed empty shop after empty shop. “Where are they taking us, anyway?”

“I don’t know." The Doctor turned towards him with his slightly manic grin. "Isn’t it exhilarating?”

“Yeah,” Ianto quipped. “I’m on a planet called Christmas, freezing my arse off, and am being taken hostage by Frosty’s evil cousins. ‘Exhilarating’ isn’t the word for it.”

Jack chuckled and wrapped an arm around him. He pulled him into his side and placed a hand over his chest. He rubbed it, smiling as he felt Ianto’s shoulder holster through the fabric. “At least you’ve still got your humour.”

“All verbal communication will be stopped,” the third snowman said, his eyes matching the red ribbon around his top hat. “You will be taken to the Great One. You will not struggle.”

"Okey dokey then," the Doctor quipped and Ianto rolled his eyes, Jack’s arm tightening reassuringly around him.


End file.
